When Clowns Attack by Chuck Sambuchino

Author:Chuck Sambuchino
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony
Published: 2015-09-28T16:00:00+00:00

TARGETS FOR ATTACK

WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID CITY HALLS AND STATE CAPITALS

With all this talk about pies flying into people’s faces and petty theft, you may have already forgotten that clowns’ ultimate goal is supremacy—to rule over plainface civilians while enforcing clown law and being the laughingstocks of the world no longer. To achieve this, clowns are slowly laying the groundwork to start their own autonomous nations while also prepping for the worst by transforming their bodies to withstand nuclear fallout. This is a serious threat and cannot be ignored.

In fact, clowns have a history of successfully overthrowing government entities in coups d’état and taking control to establish their own rule. Here are some of the most noteworthy clown coups of all time—both successful and not—from around the world:

1582: LONDON. Ballshire the Goof, a prominent court jester of the Tudor dynasty in England, incited what is thought to be the first attempt at a national takeover by clowns. Ballshire was kept under the service of the royal court for jokes and amusement; when his jokes were deemed unsatisfactory, he would be beaten. This is believed to have driven him stark raving berserk, and he responded by bringing two dozen other disgruntled jester types and performers into the royal palace under the guise of putting on a show. Once Ballshire and his cohorts were near the throne room, they killed a few guards and claimed the palace as their own, with Ballshire proclaiming that the nation was “now under Fool’s Rule!” To prove their point, the new rulers all collectively mooned London from a tall palace tower. Their alleged first order of business was to deem that all current royals were now their slaves. But before the ragtag group could even locate a quill and ink to write down the land’s new “laws,” they were arrested by soldiers. The next morning, Ballshire’s last words before his execution by hanging were, “Boy, I do love hanging out with my friends in the morning! Hyuk-hyuk!”

1819: KASKASKIA, ILLINOIS.This is the first and only verified instance of clowns successfully taking over an entire U.S. state. It was during Kaskaskia’s short run as the capital of Illinois that a handful of clowns entered the building and seized control. The following account comes from the Kaskaskia Sentinel, the town’s largest paper at the time:

Vagrant thugs with painted faces raided the government building on the morning of June 16. Some of these men, brandished knives, killed several employees of the capital. While the temporarily victorious intruders yelled, “Now only clowns may live in this state!” the remaining government employees quickly escaped unharmed. Shouting out a window, one painted vagrant warned listeners that the state would be flooded with thousands of their kind—who would then kill all nonperformers. However, the vagrants soon became intoxicated and passed out, allowing the armored cavalry to storm the premises and round them up. Their execution by firing squad is scheduled for tomorrow.

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